Monday, February 25, 2008


Beware: somewhat whiny content ahead

I haven't been posting much because I've been feeling quiet lately, mostly because I've been feeling like I was run over by a truck. Around the middle of this week, I passed from merely being in a funk to feeling dreadfully concerned that I was moving into seriously clinically depressed because I could barely get myself to move. Then by Friday, I started feeling headachy and body achy and icky intestinal yuck and generally fluish. Oh. I'm just sick.

I did have ample reasons to think it could be depression though:

*Sonya is still missing and her absence is a constant minor ache. We have flyers up, we've talked to the neighbors, we've visited shelters (and if you want a recipe for depression, spending your Saturday afternoon visiting an animal shelter is a good start. I suppose there are more depressing places, like a hospice, children's cancer ward or abattoir, but animal shelters are high up there). Nothing. I can't give up the hope every time I turn into our driveway that she'll be waiting at the back door. We miss her terribly.

*It's February, the shortest and paradoxically longest and most dismal month of the year. Does that really need any more explanation?

*I'm at the stage of grief where I still feel it a lot, but I don't get much support or public acknowledgement unless I go out of my way to ask for it. And since if there's anything more depressing than grief, it's having to go around with a visible raincloud over your head, I don't like to do that. So instead I'm walking around with a half-healed gaping wound, but I'm expected to function completely normally.

*I have no social life.

*I was going to add 22 days of charting my temperature and no signs of ovulation (for reference sake, a normal cycle usually has you ovulating around day 14), but I started to get signs this morning, so I'm cautiously hopeful. Still, ovulating on day 24 doesn't qualify this as a normal cycle, so I'm still fretting about that. And my experience is that I can have signs of imminent ovulation but not actually have it happen, so I'm withholding judgment until the entire cycle is completed.

So you see why I could be concerned that my inability to get out of bed in the morning could be psychological. Added into the mix is the fact that I've been gaining weight and feeling tired for the past several months, which could either be a sign of my thyroid finally crapping out on me or that the change I made in my PCOS meds last fall wasn't a good one. Neither one is especially welcome, although at least they're both treatable. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so results on this issue are pending.

I think I'm ready for spring to come. I could use some sunlight and nice weather for going outdoors.

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